There always seems to be this bleak, wet period before the Autumnal colours and Christmas decorations.
I think it's pretty, rain makes everything look glossy and clean. It's like the weather is preparing for the start of a new season; washing away the last of the sticky pollens and fruits from the Summer, and providing the perfect blank canvas for the fiery leaves and holly berries to enter to.
I feel like I'm working towards some bigger purpose at the minute. That is something I've never felt before, because I've never known where I wanted to be before. I have this massive sense of ambition (I know RIGHT?!), and I know it's gonna feel so great if I actually pull it off. I feel pretty relaxed right now, but I know it's gonna get harder, so I'm going to take it day by day and just see how things work out!
For the first time in my life I think I know what I'm doing!! Woo!
(So I drew this) (And the song makes me feel PUMPED)
'If You Leave' is an online and physical publication displaying the work of various artists in a book format, showing 'the mysterious yet uncannily peaceful feeling of desolation and loneliness'. Which I think is a really interesting subject, one that I often find myself thinking about.
I just think all the photos are so mystical and powerful, whilst at the same time being vague and not quite there at all. You can view all the photos separately, as well as links to the original artists, at http://www.if-you-leave.tumblr.com. I just wanted to share this because I love it so much, and I love the way it has been published and displayed. Thanks for reading!
Inspired by the architecture I saw in Lincoln during the Open Day last Saturday (and because I am poorly and bored), I wanted to make a list of my favourite castles in the world. They are a fantasy icon, and not to mention really, really cool.
10. Burg Hohenwerfen Castle - Austria
9. Malbork Castle - Poland - the biggest brick building in Europe!
8. Schwerin Castle - Germany
7. Bran Castle - Romania - The Dracula Castle
6.Alcazar of Segovia - Spain
5. Lichtenstein Castle - Germany - in English means 'Light Stone' Castle.
4. Hohenzollern Castle - Germany
3. Chateau de Chillon or Chillon Castle - Switzerland
2. Eilean Donan Castle - Scotland
1. Schloss Neuschwanstein or Neuschwanstein Castle - Germany - it just had to be this one!
For the first time ever, I find myself completed overdone and frustrated by school. I have a dulling tension headache for three quarters of my waking life due to the constant pressures from the subjects I've taken (some more than others, as I will later explain). The fact that the assigned work is never the limit of how much I am supposed to do is very stressful, I constantly feel like I should be doing more, and can never fully relax because of it. I am either a raging stress-mess or a can't-be-arsed sofa-dweller, there is no middle ground, and it's making me feel unhealthy.
This time last year I was the 'chillest' person. I would do the work the morning it was due, and I would never worry about how well I had done on anything that didn't count towards a final grade. Now, I am so agitated with school, all the time!!! ALL THE TIME.
And I know why.
Art.
ART.
This Art A level is making me ill. I mean, I'm no Picasso but I can bang out an alright drawing if I'm given enough time. A lot of people encouraged me to take the A level, as they said they loved my style and would buy my work if I sold it. Sorted. You'd think.
It is a tedious and horrifying course. I hate it. It makes me sad. It makes me want to rip my work up and eat it and then throw it back up because I hate it so much.
I don't even enjoy Art anymore, I dread having to put paintbrush to paper.
I hate that I have to justify everything I do. Why is it such a crime to have an original idea?
I hate that I am expected to put in three times as much work as my other subjects for a worse grade.
I hate that even if I do a good picture. It is worth nothing on it's own.
I hate that it is a constant pressure and that I feel guilty when I am not doing it.
I want to quit. I want to.
I'm really not a quitter. I promise. If I don't think I can see something through I'll never sign up in the first place. This is a principle that applies to nearly every area of my life. It's just who I am.
But I cannot take another week of this. I really can't, I am on the edge of just giving up.
I can't do a practical A level. I need something I can procrastinate on and whack out something awesome at the last minute and still be OK. Art is not that subject (although it was at GCSE). I do not feel constantly inspired to draw something. I draw when I want to. I draw when I want to draw.
I don't want to discourage anyone from taking this, but I would say, if you want to do Art, do the BTEC, or do the A Level on it's own. It is not compatible with other subjects, and the A level course is so dire and discouraging that it will probably make you change your mind anyway.
When I first started the A level. I was excited. I was going to learn how to draw properly, and how to make my personal style more focused. Because I had one back then. Now, I don't. Sometimes what people do will not fit the criteria, and it's hardly even plausible that it has a criteria when people can just do anything and someone will like it.
I think I'm going to go to school tomorrow and swap to Applied Business. I know I used to say I hated the subject but compared to Art it is like a sweet oasis of relief. Am I making the right decision? Will someone help?
How much do you rely on looking at someone to realise it is them?
Who do you think you would be able to recognise without any hints of their physical body? That is; no scent, no voice, no looks, no touch and no taste of them. Would you be able to recognise anybody without that? What are without that? Maybe that is another dimension completely - a question for another time.
Could you honestly say you are so uninhibited by the human obsessions of appearance that could love someone without their body? Could you love without the five senses? Is it possible, can humans do it?
When you love someone you notice and memorise odd little things that you would have never thought to look for before. It's as though you want to remember everything about them, and to see everything of them. Every new discover makes you fall in love all over again. But, even if you stop loving someone, do you forget these things? Is that why people say 'the ones we loved always stay with us'? You can recognise them from almost nothing, you never forget.
Are soulmates people who know each others soul? That is, everything they are. Without being anything at all. No physical body, nothing that would adhere to any of the five senses that we know of, nothing to detect.
If I was a soul, not in the body I'm in now, would you still be able to recognise me? Does anyone know me that well? I don't think so.
A body is so temporary in the grand scheme of things. When you die, what happens? Nobody alive knows, or no one has convinced me of it yet. Your memories and words can be passed from person to person and live forever. You should write or say what you want people to remember.
When you look at a person. When you love a person. Do you love what you know of them or do you love their soul? From what I understand, a soul could take many forms, not necessarily physical. When you look into someone's eyes and say, 'I love you', do you understand what you are saying? You is are much more important word than it is given credit for. Everyone goes crazy about the 'love' and forgets what the hell they are 'loving'.
You is so general so unspecific. You isn't the physical body and what you can see, smell, touch, taste and hear. You is what you address when you are looking into someone's eyes and imagining their brain working under their skull and what they are seeing through their eyes, something blurry and sparkling sort of across their collar bones, something that is there when they reach out and touch with the end of their finger, when they breathe out, when they look out you. That is what 'you' is.
'I' is nearly as important. When you say 'I' you mean the same as 'you' but for yourself. 'I' is so overused, to people even understand what it means? I, me, myself. Not your name, I is just you.
I wish my brain would allow me to understand this. To properly understand and be able to explain what I am hinting at. Words are so strong that they can let someone know that you love them or let someone know that you hate them. Why would you waste the strength of your words? If I say 'I love you' romantically to someone, I am going to god damn mean it. Love is a whole different matter, but 'I' and 'you' are just as significant.
I don't think much of this makes sense, but I find it is much easier to understand and organise my thoughts when they are written down, and I like to share them so that anyone who was thinking something similar can know that they are not the only ones, and I'd love to discuss it with anyone who wonders the same! I promise!
Goodness I haven't written on here for almost a month, and I can honestly say I have just been that busy with things that I haven't had the time to sit down and write something of worth! Who would of thunked it. Not me, that's for sure.
Well firstly, I think a bit of gloating and self-bloating is in order. My English exam/coursework has been requested by AQA to use as exemplar work! I don't know if this necessarily means it was any better than anyone elses, but I got quite a high A, so I hope it means it was a pretty good example of a good exam. You know.
That's all I have to say on the sun-shining-out-of-one's-arse front, but I will let you guys (no one) know if I achieve any spectacular feats or make a startling new discovery.
I won't explain the happenings of the last month as it is now the fading past, but, what's happened today? Well, Holly and I are thinking of going to the 'Literary Leicester' event, which sounds really cool! I don't know much about it, but apparently there are neat little workshops to take part in, sounds wonderful to me! Also, we saw a baby squirrel licking spidge off of the pavement (AAWWW!), so I shooed it back into it's natural habitat - the allotments - so it didn't get shot or meet it's fluffly little death on the main road. It was so cute, so so cute. I love cute animals. Nothing else incredibly exciting except that whatever is cooking for tea smells demolishable.
I haven't got anything revolutionary, or even great, to say today, but I just wanted the blog to know that I haven't forgotten about it, I've just been a little bit busy, I would say as usual as it feels right to put it there, but, let's be honest, I'm never normally busy, even if I should be. Also, you may notice a distinctly chirpy tone throughout this commentary, and that is because I been thinking more and more about how cute that baby squirrel was! I'm going to demolish the demolishable food so, thank you for caring! Goodbye!
