For the first time ever, I find myself completed overdone and frustrated by school. I have a dulling tension headache for three quarters of my waking life due to the constant pressures from the subjects I've taken (some more than others, as I will later explain). The fact that the assigned work is never the limit of how much I am supposed to do is very stressful, I constantly feel like I should be doing more, and can never fully relax because of it. I am either a raging stress-mess or a can't-be-arsed sofa-dweller, there is no middle ground, and it's making me feel unhealthy.
This time last year I was the 'chillest' person. I would do the work the morning it was due, and I would never worry about how well I had done on anything that didn't count towards a final grade. Now, I am so agitated with school, all the time!!! ALL THE TIME.
And I know why.
This Art A level is making me ill. I mean, I'm no Picasso but I can bang out an alright drawing if I'm given enough time. A lot of people encouraged me to take the A level, as they said they loved my style and would buy my work if I sold it. Sorted. You'd think.
It is a tedious and horrifying course. I hate it. It makes me sad. It makes me want to rip my work up and eat it and then throw it back up because I hate it so much.
I don't even enjoy Art anymore, I dread having to put paintbrush to paper.
I hate that I have to justify everything I do. Why is it such a crime to have an original idea?
I hate that I am expected to put in three times as much work as my other subjects for a worse grade.
I hate that even if I do a good picture. It is worth nothing on it's own.
I hate that it is a constant pressure and that I feel guilty when I am not doing it.
I want to quit. I want to.
I'm really not a quitter. I promise. If I don't think I can see something through I'll never sign up in the first place. This is a principle that applies to nearly every area of my life. It's just who I am.
But I cannot take another week of this. I really can't, I am on the edge of just giving up.
I can't do a practical A level. I need something I can procrastinate on and whack out something awesome at the last minute and still be OK. Art is not that subject (although it was at GCSE). I do not feel constantly inspired to draw something. I draw when I want to. I draw when I want to draw.
I don't want to discourage anyone from taking this, but I would say, if you want to do Art, do the BTEC, or do the A Level on it's own. It is not compatible with other subjects, and the A level course is so dire and discouraging that it will probably make you change your mind anyway.
When I first started the A level. I was excited. I was going to learn how to draw properly, and how to make my personal style more focused. Because I had one back then. Now, I don't. Sometimes what people do will not fit the criteria, and it's hardly even plausible that it has a criteria when people can just do anything and someone will like it.
I think I'm going to go to school tomorrow and swap to Applied Business. I know I used to say I hated the subject but compared to Art it is like a sweet oasis of relief. Am I making the right decision? Will someone help?